President Obama addressed the nation today about Hurricane Irene, but it felt like he was addressing an ex-girlfriend.
"Leaving a terrible trail of destruction, Irene has left many without power and has personally left me heartbroken. I know I'll or we'll look back on the events of this weekend as a turning point when we realized that Irene wasn't worth a damn to me or, I mean, us. She was no good for anyone and, now, we're just expected to pay her bills cause she skipped town. How is that right, Irene? How is that RIGHT?!!!! Uh, this is a terrible event, but we will emerge unified and stronger. Thankfully, the name Irene will be besmirched for a long time. Now, we thought Irene would be a lot stronger than she was, and this is a good lesson to remember. No matter how much we think that we should fear Irene, it turns out that she's mostly talk even if she burns half your clothes and harasses you sporadically for two months after you broke it off. Yeah, I hate Irene, but it appears that we're almost done with her. Trust me, life is better without Irene, and, now, we can repair the damage from her. Sure, we may look back at the heroics of good people during this event and have fond memories, but, remember, the good times had nothing to do with Irene. She was the reason we were in this mess in the first place. It's about time that we're done with this bitch, or, uh, hurricane."
Note: This isn't a real excerpt. No seriously, it's not.
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