Always Second

As I look back at my life, I always felt like I came second. I felt like I didn't put myself first ever (which isn't true), but, with others, it definitely felt that way. With women, I always felt like a second option. A guy to keep on the hook just in case the first option didn't work out. Even with my parents, other things always came first. I remember my dad saying that they were going to do this thing where they just listened to me for two weeks. It didn't happen, and my parents have never paid attention to the things that I say. When something went wrong, it was often blamed on me though it almost never was my fault. My parents projected their anger onto me often because, apparently, your child is a safe outlet (forget the negative consequences of it for that child). It isn't a surprise that I never felt good enough. I was never called smart by them, and my dad told me I did a good job after a day where he made a lot of money. I knew where my worth lied, and it wasn't in my brains. It was alway in work of some form for them.

I think this fostered in me a feeling of self loathing and disrespect for myself which manifested itself in this feeling of always being second. I also became a martyr. When something went wrong, I thought it was my fault. I apologized all the time even though a problem would have nothing to do with me. It shouldn't be a surprise that I became depressed and downtrodden. I couldn't do anything right. No one loved me, and I had no worth. It's taken a long time to realize this is incorrect, but these feelings come back often. It didn't help that I would surround myself with people similar to my father (blameless, lying, and accusatory). I was trying to fix them, and, in doing so, I was hoping I could fix him. It turns out that sort of thing just made me feel worse. So, I began to expunge those relationships from my life even though some were close, and I started anew. It feels great, but I still become sad often, but the period doesn't last long enough to be considered a depression which is good. This is the end of my first expressive writing post. More will likely follow. The take away point is that I'm not second. If you feel the same way, neither are you. I was second because I didn't believe in myself, and I overcame that by proving the doubters wrong.