Always Second

As I look back at my life, I always felt like I came second. I felt like I didn't put myself first ever (which isn't true), but, with others, it definitely felt that way. With women, I always felt like a second option. A guy to keep on the hook just in case the first option didn't work out. Even with my parents, other things always came first. I remember my dad saying that they were going to do this thing where they just listened to me for two weeks. It didn't happen, and my parents have never paid attention to the things that I say. When something went wrong, it was often blamed on me though it almost never was my fault. My parents projected their anger onto me often because, apparently, your child is a safe outlet (forget the negative consequences of it for that child). It isn't a surprise that I never felt good enough. I was never called smart by them, and my dad told me I did a good job after a day where he made a lot of money. I knew where my worth lied, and it wasn't in my brains. It was alway in work of some form for them.

I think this fostered in me a feeling of self loathing and disrespect for myself which manifested itself in this feeling of always being second. I also became a martyr. When something went wrong, I thought it was my fault. I apologized all the time even though a problem would have nothing to do with me. It shouldn't be a surprise that I became depressed and downtrodden. I couldn't do anything right. No one loved me, and I had no worth. It's taken a long time to realize this is incorrect, but these feelings come back often. It didn't help that I would surround myself with people similar to my father (blameless, lying, and accusatory). I was trying to fix them, and, in doing so, I was hoping I could fix him. It turns out that sort of thing just made me feel worse. So, I began to expunge those relationships from my life even though some were close, and I started anew. It feels great, but I still become sad often, but the period doesn't last long enough to be considered a depression which is good. This is the end of my first expressive writing post. More will likely follow. The take away point is that I'm not second. If you feel the same way, neither are you. I was second because I didn't believe in myself, and I overcame that by proving the doubters wrong.

Depression and drugs

Hey all,

When it comes to the treatment of depression, I'm not a fan of drugs. This was probably apparent in my last post, but I would like to expand on that. Also, I would like to talk about the ridiculousness of some drug ads. First off, drugs alone are not a good long term solution to depression because it doesn't get at the root cause of the problem which may be environment, thoughts, behavior, or probably a combination of the three. Without therapy, it's unlikely that people will identify these causal factors and the depression will likely occur again. Also, I would advise that the therapy is a form of Cognitive Behavior Therapy which is the most effective. While there is a still a stigma towards mental health, this is a long term solution that is better than drugs. After five years, the relapse rate is lower than just anti-depressants. Now, I will say that research has shown that the combination of the two is the most effective. However, antidepressants may have a placebo effect where the drug is effective simply due a psychosomatic response. I have to say that some mental disorders need to be treated by medications such as schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder.

As for some ads, I just want to say that drugs such as Abilify should not exist. If you need another anti-depressant because it's not working, then maybe you shouldn't be on an anti-depressant at all. Think about it. Also, if you think you are depressed, please see someone about it.

Depression: a case study

Hey all,

I have to warn you that this post may be hard to read, or, at least, it's hard for me to write. Almost five years ago, I was diagnosed with severe depression, and the truth was I lied about how much I had thought about suicide. However, after my diagnosis, I was sent to a general practitioner who gave me anti-depressants. While I felt better, the truth is that I was not fixed. Also, I may have dealt with this depression for years before my actual diagnosis. However, I took the pills and felt better, but I didn't receive any therapy which was a mistake. I went back to college where I became a psychology major. However, the underlying issues still remained. Intimacy was almost impossible because I felt unlovable, unable to be fixed, fat, ugly, and stupid. I honestly thought "Who would want me?". For another four years, I would suffer from these thoughts until one recent day I used Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Now, I treated myself which I don't recommend. If you think you're depressed, I recommend seeing a therapist. But, the point is that I openly challenged these beliefs and discovered something amazing. I was wrong. The thoughts were way off the mark. I was worthy of love and care as evidenced by my family and friends. I could fix myself as well as other problems. Some women were attracted to me. I couldn't be ugly. My grades were good, and I kicked ass at trivial pursuit, so I couldn't be stupid either, probably. My entire outlook changed, and I was a different person. I was finally hopeful about my future, and I knew that I would be okay. It was the most wonderful moment of my entire life. As I looked back upon that unspeakable period, I felt sadness because I had squandered so much, but the sadness would not last long because I was no longer trapped by it. I was finally free. If you think you're depressed, there are many online tests. You just have to be honest. If you are depressed, you should seek help right away. While I'm not a huge fan of drugs, the best treatment is a combination of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and anti-depressants.